


Cthulu Wars: Brawl in the Family

by CornucopiaOfMemes



Category: Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft
Genre: A board game, Are basically a big family, Board game, Cthulu wars, Do i make myseslf cleer, Earth, Factions, Giant monster, Giants, Great Old Ones, Its epic, Minions, Minions being minions, Monsters, Monsters arguing, No Smut, Submerge, The old ones - Freeform, a family nade of gicatic monsters cultists demons and monsters, bros, but a family, cthulu - Freeform, enjoy, friends - Freeform, i just imagine them being bros, i will explain the abilities used in the beginning so ye, ok enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24157273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CornucopiaOfMemes/pseuds/CornucopiaOfMemes
Summary: Cthulu Wars! The board game you've likely never heard of, but will now!These big monsters are now a big, angy family.Enjoy!i am taking requests btw :p
Comments: 11
Kudos: 3





	1. The House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cthulu wars! the board game you've likey never heard of.  
> Lovecraftian Monsters aas a big angy family! :D

"Hoster!?" Yogsothoth growled, slowly crawling to the kitchen.

"What do you want, Yog, im training cultists!" the giant yellow face replied.

Yogsothoth put a mass of purple sludge on the doorframe to the kitchen. "Where did you leave my fucking headphones!?"

The big face sighed and tirned around. "I dont have them! Crawling chaos is the guitar nerd, pretty sure he has them!" 

The mass of purple sludge groaned, and headed upstairs to CC's room, where he poundeed on the door. "CC!"

After a few seconds, the blue demon opened the door yawning."Yeah, Yogso, whats up?"

"Do you have my headphones?" He said, a little lessed pissed off. CC was a guy he respected.

"Oh, those...? no, i finished with them, and Black goat wanted them, and i was so tired i gave them to her. sorry..." CC said, yawning again. 

Yogsothoth sighed but shook it off. "...Nah, its ok. here, Cmon down. lets get breakfast..."

After they got down, they saw Cthulu just sitting on a rock near the ceiling, kicking his legs, sipping some tea and eating hamburger rolls.  
he saw them come in and waved.

Yogso and CC waved back, and saw Hoster playing with cthulu's deep ones in the living room. the Starspawn and the other 3rd tiers were having an intense discussion about ethics, while the Castlevania-like Cathedrals were just sitting in a corner, acting like heaters, and the Black Goat was sitting down, staying warm and comfy.

Since Earth had started its Winter season, the Old Ones were too cold to fight while on earth, and since humnity couldnt touch them they just headed in for the winter.

At one point, Cthulu had to go to earth to find a lost Deep One, and stumbled upon a house that has a sign on the ground saying, "Happy Holidays Cthulu" He was so flattered at that, and gave the family a glowing gemstone as thanks.

The Great Old One Family had a wonderful christmas.

But Yogsothoth never found his headphones.


	2. Hoster the Smash Bros Chamion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoster is really good at SSBU.  
> can anyone stand up to him?

"Yo, CC, I have a surprisr for ya!" Hoster said, floating outside Crawling Chaos' door.

"Yeah, hold on. I'll be right there!" He said from inside. Hoster smiled and hovered downstairs.Cthulu was making cookies when he got down. 

He waved happily to Hoster, before going back to his pastries. The big yellow head chuckled and moved on to the living room.

"Alright, H, whatcha got for me?" CC said, slithering down the stairs to the living room.

"Another Smash bros controller! now we can fght each other!" Hoster said, smiing. he had already set up an arena for them, and CC was eager to join.

"More than usual, Hoster, i love you." He chuckled, taking the controller And picking Ridley.

Hoster snickered, chose the Mii Brawler with a Cthulu skin, and replied with "Bro, thats gay."

And so the match began.

And so the match ended.

"How did you beat me that fast?" Chaos muttered. 

Hoster ahrugged as much as a head can shrug. "Im just good."

"Alright, buddy. lets go again." CC said, clearly a little frustrated.

And so the match began.

and so the match ended.

"HOSTER, WHAT THE FUCK!?" Crawling Chaos, shouted, seeing his Ridley get executed in a masterful combo.

"Lower your voice, im right here..." The yellow head said.

CC shook his... head…? "Nah, buddy, this is bullshit. theres no way your that good. Okay... GOOAT!? GOAT, GET YOUR SMASHING ASS DOWN HERE!" he screamed.

The red bipedal monster walked over to the pair, a little amused. "Hey, boys, what do ya need my smashing ass for?"

"Kill him in Smash bros." Chaos seethed, pointing at Hoster. she shrugged and picked up the controller. "Easy."

and so the-

"HOW THE EVERLIVING FUCK DID YOU DO THAT!?" CC and the group of smaller monsters shouted in unison. BG dropped the smile.

"200$ if you win against my main." she angrily said.

"You're on." Hoster said, smiling wide.

and so-

"I'm calling bullshit. this is bullshit. you're bullshit." BG grumbled. Since the beginning of the match, the monsters have been passing around bets on who wins and a Shoggoth just won $3,318.75.

"Hoster is the king of smash bros!" A Deep one shouted.

THEN, out of nowhere, Cthulu appears out of a portal on the wall, pulls himself out, takes the controller and selects ... Jigglypuff?

"Bring it Cthulu." Hoster challenged, smugly. he knew he would win.

Cthulu waved his hand and made two voting jars. One for Hoster, One for Cthulu.

As the mi nions put in money and argued, the two Old Ones began their match.

The ground seemed to rumble with each blow.

and finally...

After what seemed to be hours...

Cthulu came out on top.

The crows went wild as.Cthulu stoood up and relished his victory. in the pot, a total of $937,000 went to Cthulu's army.

He left the room for a second as Crawling Chaos and the Black Goat were dying laughter from the outcome andd Hoster was just blown away, and came back with his cookies and gave Hoster a big one.

The Lovecraftia SMASH BROS CHAMPION had been named.


	3. Don't mess with Cthulu (Fall of Cthuga)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a friendly competition for Earth, Things get heated....

"M-My lord, The Cthulians are here! The Cthulians are here!" A young cultist yelled, fear llaced within his voice.

"Wh-What!? No! Thats... No!" Hoster screamed. Quickly he grabbed seven undeads and raced out of his little russian cave.

as fast as he could, he raced towards the ocean, hoping to be ready for the attack.

Lightning flashed, and rain poured as Hoster scanned the ocean for his adversary. fortunately, he saw nothing.

He breathed a shaky sigh of relief, and turned around to head back to the cave...

Then the bay exploded.

-USA, 7 minutes earier-

"No! Begone, Cthulu!" Yogsothoth screeched, firing off blasts of purple magic towards the alien army that was coming toward him.

His ownunits battled valiantly, but were devoured by Shoggoths, cut in twain by Starspawns, were mauled by Deep ones, or were Individually stomped by Cthulu and his wife, Cthuga.

Cthuga was a strange being. Humanoid in shape, she had the same characteristics of a human female, but a thousand times larger. A self-sustained hurricane whirled at her feet, keeping her aloft and cutting through enemies. From her shoulder blades and collarbonecame two tentacles each, blasting opponents with green fire.

Cthulu and Cthuga worked together in such perfect harmony, Yogsothoth almost stopped to just stare at them slaughter his troops.

Oh, right.

With a yell, the purple mass firrd off seven purple flare-esque shots towards the enemy, all of which were hurtled toward the leader Cthulu.

Cthuga saw this, and knowing Cthulu had taken a bad hit on his side, decided to body-block the seven shots she knew would end him.

As each flare hit their mark, All 1,748 of Yogsothoth's eyes widened, realizing his mistake.

Cthuga fell forwards, her back smoking from the hits she took, and fell limp into her husband's arms. Yogsothoth didn't know what vthey said, but he figured it was something akin to:  
"Cthuga... no... you took the blast for me..."  
"Your cut was deep, my love... Yogsothoth would have annihalated you had i not intervened..."  
"Cthuga..."  
And after she had turned to green dust, Cthulu turned slowly towards the perpetrator.

All fighting ceased.

for a count of three, silence fell throughout the world.

Then all hell broke loose.

Cthulu roared, rage consuming his mind, and leaped over the entire battlefield, right on top of Yogsothoth. He tried to fight, but to no avail as Cthulu destroyed him.

He raked his claws against the purble blob time and time again, then headbutted him into a mountain, where Cthulu proceeded to pull of a brutal dropkick, blasting Yogso right through the mountain.

Cthulu grabbed tgree pieces of the mountain, one in his tail and one in each hand, then smashed his left rock into Yogso, then the right, then swung around in a circle, breaking the mountain piece and hurling him backwards even further.

Cthulu's eyes gleamed as he fired off a HUGE pillar of green fire to where Yog landed. Soon, his Starspawns flew up into the air and fired their own pillars to the same pot, burnng the area to an unholy crisp.

as a finisher to that dreadful move, Cthulu jumped onto Yogsothoth's body, and deivered a brutal downward blow, powered by raw, unflitered rage.

As Yogsothoth remained unmoving, Cthulu let out a roar that was heard world-wide and struck fear into children and made husbands cling to their wives.

-Russia, Now-

The bay erupted with Cthulu's wrath, as he snatched Hoster and pounded on him.

Cthulu's minions emerged from the depths, Starspawns ready to burn the floating head.

Hoster did what he could to attack. alas, all he did was piss Cthulu off even more.

Still clutching the Yellowsign, Cthulu reared back and dealt a brutal headbutt, knockng Hoster backwards. Cthulu's eyes glinted in the dark, and he activated a superspell: Ythaka Nry'agato.

Cthulu Roared, and lightning flashed on the battlefield, rain beggining to pour, strengthening Cthulu tenfold. Hoster paled at this.

Again, Cthulu's eyes flashed with the power of a superspell: Cthulu's Trident. his eyes glowed bright. Blue, Orange, and back again at a very fast rate.

Hoster braced himsellf.

Cthulu was upon him instantly, delivering punches and slashes at such a pace that they would be indiscernable from that of the Platinum Star.

Hoster flew backwards into Mt. Everest, where Cthulu prepared one final superspell: Wrath of a Titan.

Summoning all of his minions, his 7 Starspawns absorbed the other minions to become his Seven Sages. 

watching Cthulu charging up for an all-out decimating attack made Hoster wonder if he's the one that deserves the nickname "The Desecrater."

All Eight of the powerful dieties had finished their charge and blasted an absolute wall of fire at the Yellowsign. Mt. Everest held firm, however, but anything behind it for thousandsz upon thousands of miles was immediately incinerated.

A full minute passed of this sheer power attack,its roar echoing into the night. When it was done, a charred path and an incinerated skull remained.

Cthulu collapsed to his knees and bowed his head. Those who saw felt an urge to comfort him, but ran as far away as they could.

Cthulu, Champion of the Earth, hung his head as he crawled back to his home in the ocean.


	4. The Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the monsters came and lived together, they had t make a deal with Earth first.

"So, Cthulhu, tell me again why this is a good idea?" Yogsothoth grumbled as he and the other monsters walked towards Washington.

From Cthulhu's left, Nyralathotep leaned forward to say to Yogsothoth, "Well, for starters, none of us have a real grudge against the humans, and it'd affect us all if we just battled until the earth was reduced to a dried husk."

Hoster laughed from above them. "Yeah, what he said. also, Yoggy, weren't you around since the dawn on time?"

the mass of purple growled at Hoster. "First, never call me 'Yoggy' again. second, yes, i was."

Cthulhu rumbled at the two and stopped at the gates of a large stretch of land with a white house in the middle.

"is that the place?" Hoster asked Cthulhu, who simply nodded in return.

"so, what now?" Yogsothoth said, already impatient.

"Now..." Nyralathotep said, settling into a sitting position. "…we wait."

it didn't take long for news crews and the army to show up.

Hoster hd always been a fan of live television, so he smiled and waved at one of the news helicopters.

after a minute standoff, an army leader shouted at the four, "What do you want!? you are trespassing on U.S. government-"

( Tell me, General Ludwig Ari-Ventos. )

The man abruptly stopped screaming at the eldritch monsters above them and was terrified of the voice that pierced through his thoughts.

( Does it look like we care? )

he started to breathe heavily, and ordered his men to shoot if they approached any further.

( in truth, we do not. we came here to speak with the man you call your president. )

he swallowed nervously, and walked away to talk with his superiors.

meanwhile, Hoster was still waving at the tv crews and Nyralathotep was very carefully petting a cat that had gone near him.

Cthulhu playfully swatted at Hoster, reminding him of the image they had to keep.

Hoster chuckled and took it as a sign of a fight, and started to charge a fireball, until Cthulhu literally stood up, turned around, grabbed Hoster's mouth a sealed it shut with a street lamp post.

he protested as much as he could, then sighed and sulked a bit.

When the president came out, Cthulhu smiled.

( It is nice to finally meet you, mister President. ) he spoke into the man's mind.

"It is, nice to meet you two, mister…?" he calmly replied. that impressed Cthulhu and Yogsothoth, who was now interested.

( I am Cthulhu. to my left is Nyralathotep, my right, Yogsothoth, and the head above me is Hoster. )

"It is… good, to meet you all. may i ask, what are you doing on earth right now?" the president replied, surprisingly calm.

Cthulhu looked at Nyralathotep, who, without disturbing his cat, produced a sheet of paper from… god knows where.

( Beings such as us require a session of battle to make sure our power does not grow more powerful than another's. )

As the president read over the paper, his face was unreadable. that impressed Yogsothoth even more.

( Every five years for you humans, we wish to have a battle amongst ourselves. it is both a tradition and a surprisingly enjoyable activity. we take this to you so that your world may be prepared. )

"So, you are suggesting that we take precautions for your battle, so that the casualties are slim to none, do i understand correctly?" he asked.

Nyralathotep nodded. "if yo-" Cthulhu slapped a hand over his... mouth.

( Pardon me, mister president.i do not wish for the humans to know unless you agree. )

the president nodded, and thought for a bit. "hmm... this is an interesting thought. do you have ideas for how to keep the earth safer than what we have now?"

Cthulhu nodded, and summoned a piece of green glowing stone, and placed it down.

( This stone here is what is known as Adrenalume. it has incredible properties, including the ability to harden when under pressure. )

The man gasped and looked at it, then back to Cthulhu. 

( We offer this to you as a peace offering. i am willing to conjure a meteor full of Adrenalume and send it to one of your states. )

"Woah..." the president gasped. "this is incredible... but, tell me, why are you giving us these options and gifts? its not as if we can stop any of you."

( It is true, almost none of the nations on Earth could stop one of us. we are giving you these because you interest us. )

Cthulhu turned to Yogsothoth, who was dying to speak.

[Yes, you all do interest us a lot.] the purple mass said. [You humans have been around for so long, as strange as it sounds, we would hate having you all be sent back to the start because of a petty quarrel we had.]

"Hmm." the man said. "can you give me some time to speak with the U.N?"

( Absolutely. take all the time you need. just tap the stone here five times to call us back. )

the man nodded, and watched at Cthulhu stretched his wings and soared upwards, Hoster take the lamp out of his lips and fly up, Nyralathotep v e r y carefully set the cat down and twirl skywards, and Yogsothoth reach a blobulous arm up and be yanked to the heavens.

{ 5 years after the Lovecraft Accords were signed an passed }

"You ready to lose, Cthulhu?" Black goat watched him get taunted by Nyralathotep.

she walked over and said, "You know, CC, you never gave me those brownies you promised..." she turned to Cthulhu. "We could just team up on him"

Cthulhu smirked and nodded, jumping off a nearby cliff to get to Earth.

he was relieved to see houses had been boarded up and bunkers were in use, as he made his gate and prepared his army.

Hoster had landed in Europe, Cthulhu in the US, Nyralathotep in Australia and Black Goat in south america.

as the four armies clashed, the world trembled and smiled that the four eldritch abominations... cared for them.


	5. Christmas!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas with the old ones!

"The presents are wrapped, the fire burns, the tree is done... it's all ready!" Nyralathotep said happily.

"Well, let's get on with it, then!" Hoster laughed. 

the 25th of december. Christmas.

The old ones congregated at the house's living room to open the presents under the tree, as tradition.

and as tradition, the Black Goat went first.

"This is a big one..." she said grabbing a reasonablylarge box and started ripping it open.

"Hopefully you'll like it, i spent a long time finding it." Hoster said.

As she ripped off the box, it revealed itself to be a big bed for her! 

"Aww, thank you, Hoster!" she said, hugging him with a tentacle.

then, he picked a small box from Cthulhu, and upon opening it…

"Oh my god, you got me Avatar." he wheezed, thanking the eldest who opened a present from.. nobody...

inside were five books, each labelled with his friend's names.

the books came with a note, that upon reading, made Cthulhu chuckle.

Nyralathotep was next, and he ele cted toopen a big box...

"A NEW GUITAR!? oh my GOD I LOVE YOU, BG!" he shouted, before recieving a kiss on the cheek from the the redsign.

so christmas was great for them all! 

and i hope it is great for you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!


End file.
